Friday, October 30, 2009

A very sloppy murder

Dear blog,

Today I walked out to the mailbox and was horrified to see what I could only liken to a scene from the movie "Alien."

After assuring myself that we're not being invaded by tiny aliens, I deduced that this macabre display could only be the scene of a slug's grisly murder.

Now, I'm no slug advocate. I think they are pretty vile little creatures. I'm not a fan of the little trails they leave all over the sidewalk either. However, I must point out that the perpetrator in this case had the balls to commit the murder, but lacked the sense, consideration, and decency to clean the nasty shit up!

Here's an idea... why not knock the slimy little sap OFF OF THE EXTERIOR OF OUR HOME before you turn him into a giant loogie!?

Thank you.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Blog Award: Over The Top

Just a quick note to thank my loving mother for hooking us up with this award!

I know that the stipulation is that I participate in what the blogging community refers to as a meme, but I'm afraid I can't bring myself to do it. Besides, I think I have to wash my hair.

Thanks again Ma! Love ya!

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Shoes Betch!

Dear blog,

I have a lot of shoes for a guy. Many of them are used for specific sports such as racquetball, biking, etc. Many others are just shoes. I guess I don't wear them out very fast because my job has me barefoot at my desk all day?

At any rate, when we moved into this house, I put my shoe rack in a communal area for us all to reap the benefits of. There's no way that every shoe that the 3 of us own would fit in the rack. I suggested that we only put shoes that we wear frequently on the rack, and put the third string footwear in our respective bedrooms. As a result, my room has become a veritable minefield of various shoes. It doesn't help that I have a king sized bed stuffed into such a tiny bedroom! But I digress...

The reason for this post is to inform the world about, yep you guessed it... shoe rack abuse!!! Take a look at this photo. Placed neatly on the rack are 2 pairs of my shoes. Scattered all over the floor in front of the shoe rack, as though the shoe rack has projectile vomited, are the shoes of my lovely roommates.

You almost made it guys... just 2 more feet and you're there. (no pun intended)

Thank you.

Morning Thunder: A Cry for Help.

Dear Blog,

I am very concerned about my dear roommate's health. I have weighed out the possibilities and truthfully, I think he must suffer from a rare illness. No human is designed to expel this amount of gas! I guess it could be the intake of fiber that he eats in a given day. Our pantry contains at least 10 high-in-fiber products at all times, that only HE consumes. I'm talking cereals, yogurts, granola bars, crackers... every single one of them reads "Fiber One," "75% of your daily fiber," or "colon blow!" I am really starting to think that he enjoys his flatulence. My dog, cat and myself have all been victims to his anal acoustics on several occasions. This can not go on.

Thank you.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Room temperature

Dear Blog,

We have concluded time and time again that 77 degrees is as low as we need to set the thermostat in this house. The reasons for this are rather plentiful. First of all, it's a nice, comfortable temperature. Secondly, this house has vaulted ceilings, which make it more expensive to cool. Also, the air conditioner is confirmed to be bottom of the line, and is therefore very inefficient. Finally, we aren't effing rich, so we need to at least TRY and minimize the monthly wallet floggings by the utility company.

The thing that absolutely boggles the mind is that, despite our agreement and despite the numerous reasons for reaching said agreement, SOMEBODY KEEPS SETTING THE THERMOSTAT TO 75 DEGREES!!!! Sometimes it is set EVEN LOWER!

I don't know which roommate is guilty in this case, but I'm relatively certain that the blame rests squarely on the shoulders of the one we have come to affectionately refer to as "The Ice Queen." Fortunately for her, lower temperatures slow the decay of corpses.

Thank you.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Words fail me

Dear blog,


Thank you.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Technically unsound

Dear blog,

My dear roommate captured a video of me busting out one of my amazing musical displays and posted it here for the world to see. However, the dumb hag marked the video as private, so whenever I try and play it, it won't display.

She will pay dearly for her insolence!

Thank you.

The thin line between a homeless man and my roommate.

Dear blog,

I think a drunken crackhead slept on our porch last night! I may be wrong, but there were several large bottles of what appeared to be "The champagne of beers" still wrapped their ratty brown paper bags greeting me as I left for work this morning.

OH, RIGHT! That wasn't a crackhead at all! It was my lovely roommate!

Thank you.

The wildlife

Dear blog,

My roommate, in a move so blatant it must have been motivated by spite, prepared dinner in a deep fried fashion. Naturally, I couldn't convince myself to partake and went to bed hungry. Not a big deal, it was a little late for dinner anyways. Fortunately, the various critters that find their way into our house did not go hungry, because leftovers and nasty vats of oil were left out all night for them to feast upon.

To be clear, I didn't see any critters or crawlies feasting on the food, but everybody knows that it's this kind of negligence that results in your house being infested by such scourge.

Thank you.

Friday, October 9, 2009

Self diagnosed OCD - A concept rooted in hypocrisy

Dear blog,

My roommates both claim that they are OCD. Let's see what the National Institute of Mental Health says about that disorder, shall we?

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, OCD, is an anxiety disorder and is characterized by recurrent, unwanted thoughts (obsessions) and/or repetitive behaviors (compulsions). Repetitive behaviors such as handwashing, counting, checking, or cleaning are often performed with the hope of preventing obsessive thoughts or making them go away. Performing these so-called "rituals," however, provides only temporary relief, and not performing them markedly increases anxiety.

One roommate in particular has taken it upon his or herself to allow months and months of mail to pile up on the passthrough next to our front door. In my opinion, this is behavior is completely inconsistent with the aforementioned OCD-like tendencies to wash hands, count, sort, or clean.

Perhaps the roommate in question was referring to a completely different definition for the OCD acronym? Maybe he or she is self diagnosed with "Obtrusive Clutter and Disarray" or "Obviously Cool with Disorganization?"

In a world where everybody strives to prove (in vain) that they aren't hypocrites, some people are completely complacent with the fact.

Thank you

Thursday, October 8, 2009

The porch

Dear blog,

The cigarette smokers of this household have really outdone themselves this time. The front porch looks as though it is the home of 2 bums and a crackwhore. There is an inch of cigarette ash, 4 empty packs of smokes, 2 mysterious pills, 2 years worth of nicotine ridden loogie stains and enough paper dick butts to heat a medium sized home all winter long (supposing that the inhabitants were wearing gas masks and weren't killed by the fumes of burning cigarette butts.)

I don't know what it is the drives these sinister scumbags to be so utterly undriven that they can't empty their vile ashtray once in a while. It remains a mystery to me how smoking cigarettes makes people love squalor.

I don't think the cigs are killing them fast enough. I may have to intervene.

Thank you.