Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Cleaning up after yourself is hard

Dear blog,

There's no shortage of driveway related rants on this blog. The reason for this is because my lying roommate, though she had agreed to maintain the driveway situation, has decided against it. Of course, I really can't blame her. Sweeping is hard! Besides, what's the point of cleaning something up if it's just going to get messy again?

I thought I was helping her out when I took the initiative and sprinkled cat litter on the La Brea Tar Pits that had begun to accumulate on the driveway we're renting. Neither did I know, the 5 minutes it took me to sprinkle cat litter on the driveway was just the easy part!

In order to better understand her situation, I decided to bite the bullet and sweep up the cat litter that I sprinkled in order to soak up the oil slicks created by the 2 out of three roommates who live here that are not me. Besides, I think 2 months is long enough for the litter to do its job.

I swept it into little piles. Then I had to get the shovel to scrape up some of the caked on areas. After that, I swept the piles into the dust pan and dumped them into a bucket. The entire ordeal lasted 17 grueling minutes. Wowee! Now I really feel like a jerk. I mean asking for 25 minutes per month of time and effort between 2 different people. That is literally 25 seconds per day each!!

Besides, if there's anything I have learned in my 29 years on this planet, it is this... When you have a problem, the best way to take care of it is to ignore it and hope that it goes away.

Thank you.

Friday, February 19, 2010

Intimate Portrait: The front porch

Dear blog,

I have great news! It appears that my new roommate and my existing roommate have truly bonded. I was a little worried about whether or not they would get along, but check it out... It appears that they have been collaborating on some modern art.

Don't forget to click and enlarge these photos.
You really have to appreciate the attention to detail that went into this amazing work.

The really cool thing is that they have displayed their masterpiece right there on the front porch! Talk about a selfless act of kindness. They really do care about me, my clients and our neighbors.

Look at the way the light dances on the rim of the half spilled coke zero can. Notice how suggestively the white and black camel cigarette boxes flirt with one another. It's a subtle, yet provocative metaphor which speaks volumes about overcoming adversity in a society laden with racial tension.

I'm really looking forward to the opportunity to arise when a client asks about the fine art gallery on our front porch. I'll be choking back tears of joy and pride when I explain to them that it was my very own roommates that constructed this elaborate triumph in artistic prowess.

I would like to hereby take back every bad thing I ever said about cigarette smokers. They are misunderstood geniuses and should be revered for their contributions to society.

Thank you.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

That's a bad Pudding

Dear blog,

My roommate, as you may know, is the owner of a very overweight feline. This portly ass cat is endowed with quite a set of pipes. All day long while I'm working in my home office, both roommates are at work, and all animals are quietly living in harmony, it is a scene that could only be described as bliss.

When my roommate returns home from work, things take a sudden and drastic turn for the worse. Every time my roommate closes a door with that stinking cat on the opposite side of it, the torture begins.

It wouldn't be such a big deal if my roommate didn't have to go out front to smoke a delicious cancer stick every 20 minutes. The result is a cacophony of tortured, unnaturally loud, and incomprehensibly annoying ass fat bastard cat yowling!

I take solace in the notion that the furry menace is screaming for the sweet release of death. I have a good mind to give it to him.

Thank you

Friday, January 15, 2010

My roommate's job hunt

Dear blog,

My new roommate is all settled in and things are going just great. He has been hard at work trying to find a job. I'm thrilled to report that he was hired after being on the hunt for just one week! I asked him to share some of the secrets to his success with my blog.

So, how does one prepare their workspace for a frenzied online job search?

First off, forget about the coat rack. It's merely a distraction. In order to maximize your efficiency, you should just peel any coats or sweatshirts you may be wearing and let them fall to the floor as you approach your seat.

It's important to keep a cardboard box nearby. It will come in handy in the event that you need to quickly "clean off" your desk to make room for another plastic cup. Simply toss the clutter in the box, effectively filing it away.

Hand lotion is absolutely vital. Let's face it, the internet is a dry place... especially the websites of prospective employers. You're going to need to moisturize at least one of your hands while viewing these websites. When you abruptly become disgusted with the job you're applying for and no longer need moisturizing, grab a tissue and towel off.

Tissues, as it turns out, are a hot commodity when on the job hunt. Should the need arise to blow your nose, go right ahead. Whatever you do, you had better not throw away the tissue after a single use! Don't you care about the environment!? There are 12 nose blows left in that sucker!

When you're finished drinking from a cup or can, don't give up on it just yet. It's uncommon, but sometimes these vessels have been known to refill themselves. Besides, you're unemployed. Can you really afford to risk it?

Filling out applications online can be cumbersome. You're going to need a snack in order to stay sharp. A steady stream of microwaved hot dogs is a great choice. Not only does the smell repel anyone from coming close enough to bug you, but the juices will coat the keyboard and help you type faster (and more accurately!)

If the hot dogs don't do the trick and you still have people buzzing around while you work, try this. Put on a pair of headphones and crank them all the way up. Make a playlist of inspirational music by Nickleback or Creed and sing along. Your roommates' protests will fall on deaf ears as they are driven from the room, and the asinine lyrics will inspire you to lie on your resume!

A big thank you goes out to my roommate. I'm happy that he gave me this opportunity to share his wisdom with the world. I hope that these tips help many readers to get their dream jobs!

Thank you.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

A new roommate, a winter adventure, and a Georgia mishap

Dear blog,

It's been a while since I have written. We have been playing musical roommates around here and I've also been out of town for the holidays. Our new roommate has now moved in and I'm sure that there will be plenty to report in the coming months as his less favorable habits rear their ugly heads.

In the meantime, I'll share this little story with you.

My holiday vacation was a trip to Illinois to visit my kid brothers. The plan was that I fly in and then drive back with my brother, who will then move in to be our new roommate. It was a bit on the chilly side with 13+ inches of snow and temperatures ranging between 8 and 22 degrees for most of the 9 days I was there. After getting my fill of winter fun, the roommate elect and I loaded up his truck and headed home to the sunshine state.

A great deal of our time was spent preparing his truck for the trip. The temperatures were expected to drop further right as we were leaving, and who knows how much new snow there was to be? The truck was sitting on 4 crappy tires. The camper shell needed to be installed. There was no jack, no spare, no tire iron, no head liner, no carpet and no heat. The truck needed an oil change, an air filter, and the bed was full of snow.

We started out with a trip to the snowy junk yard. We scrounged around for hours and ended up purchasing a wheel, a jack, a tire iron, and a headliner for the truck. Unfortunately, they didn't have the tire we needed, nor any usable carpet. Upon our return to the house, my brother went to work ripping the carpet out of the floor of the truck in the driveway that had apparently been abandoned by the owner of the house they were renting. (shhh... don't tell anybody)

We worked frantically, shoveling snow from the truck bed, digging the camper shell out of the garage, then installing the headliner and carpet. The truck was really starting to come together by the end of the next day. The next step was to pick up an oil filter, air filter and thermostat. Our hope was that installing the thermostat would result in the heater working again.

My brother took the truck up to his friend that worked at a Hyundai dealership so they could perform the repairs and maintenance. After a couple of hours he called me. "We need to replace the universal joint." "Really? How bad is it?" "He says that if we make it to Florida, to call him and let him know, because it will have been a miracle."

The good news was that the replacing of the thermostat did in fact result in working heat!! That should come in handy. The bad news is that it's new year's eve and we are supposed to begin our 1,200 mile trip to Florida the next day at 5pm.
For those of you who don't know, here's the lowdown on u-joints.
A universal joint, U joint, Cardan joint, Hardy-Spicer joint, or Hooke's joint is a joint in a rigid rod that allows the rod to 'bend' in any direction, and is commonly used in shafts that transmit rotary motion. It consists of a pair of hinges located close together, oriented at 90° to each other, connected by a cross shaft.

In this case, there are 2 u-joints connecting the transmission to the rear differential via the drive shaft. What that means is if the u-joint fails, the truck is now more of a nifty fort than a vehicle.

It was a risk we simply could not take. For all we knew, we would make it 50 miles before this damn truck became our icy grave. We purchased the part and my brother spend the morning of new year's day installing it at his buddy's house. Fortunately this buddy had a pretty nice garage. They had to perform a few miracles just to get the old one off the truck.

After repairing the truck, my brother returned home. We had about 4 hours before it was time to embark. My brother thought this would be the perfect time to BEGIN PACKING!!!

We frantically packed up his belongings and loaded them into the newly renovated vehicle. It was freaking COLD!!! It was getting colder with every passing every minute. As the temperature approached 8 degrees (Fahrenheit!) we finally left at a little after 6pm... merely an hour late. Not too shabby!

My brother was the driver (drive nazi), I was the chef and accountant. I think we made a good team. To be safe, he kept the truck to a top speed of around 60mph. Everything was going well until we reached Georgia. On a side note... any time I have an incident while driving home to Florida, it always occurs in Georgia... I don't understand why.

At any rate, we were in Georgia with about 4-5 hours to go, when we heard a loud pop followed by the violent shaking indicative of a blowout. My brother expertly pulled the truck over to the side of the road. This was fortunately part of the Georgia highway that was equipped with a shoulder. Otherwise it would have been much worse!

We get out to survey the damage. The tire is torn to ribbons. The truck is off the shoulder by a little bit but we start jacking it up anyway. The jack is at an angle and is pushing the truck up and out at the same time. This is causing the entire rear axle to slant, resulting in the popped tire pretty much staying on the ground.

A concerned (about money) Georgia resident stopped to help. He saw the slanted axle and assumed that it had snapped. He assured us that he had a shop just down the road and could take a look at it. We were convinced that repositioning the truck and jack was all that was needed. He was nice enough to let us use his hydraulic jack, which took a fraction of the time to get the truck off the ground.

I took a moment to share a few details with him about how we pooled our resources to get the truck on the road. He said something to the effect of "Oh, so you guys don't have very much money do you?" "Nope, sure don't buddy!" Suddenly he was more interested in getting out of the cold than helping us with our "busted axle." The spare was installed and we were on our way. Surprisingly, the axle was just fine!

We were both deliriously tired and missed our exit to get on I-10. We had to take a detour through Lake City, which added even more time to our laborious venture.

Finally, 22 hours, 12 degree temperatures, 8 Coke Zeros, 5 old tires, 3 mobile deli sandwiches, 2.5 tanks of gas, and a blowout later, we were HOME!

I'm rather proud of our chariot. The 92 pickup did a bang up job!

Thank you.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Psychotic cat has some sort of bowel condition

Dear blog,

There is something horribly wrong with my roommate's cat's digestive tract. I don't know what kind of sewer this cat has been eating out of, but there is no way this odor is normal.

Our house has what I believe is called an open floor plan. This means that the kitchen, dining room, and 2 living rooms are all different parts of a single open space. It is no exaggeration when I tell you that one nasty little cat log is enough to cause involuntary retching to any occupants of all 4 of these rooms.

To make matters worse, what do you suppose this disturbed feline does after delivering the goods? Does he obsessively bury his droppings like a normal cat? Hell no! He does his sinful business and then scrambles away from the payload like it's going to try and stuff itself back in!

One day, I will bury him.

Thank you.

Friday, December 4, 2009

Renege: To fail to carry out a promise or commitment.

Dear blog,

My roommate got angry about a recent grocery bill and decided to "succeed from the union" so to speak. Meaning that he's no longer involved when it comes to sharing groceries. Not a problem... he doesn't pay for them, he doesn't eat them. Fine.

I like to think I'm a pretty decent cook. Sometimes I actually amaze myself. This was the case when I made some stew out of leftover Thanksgiving turkey. Initially I was liberal about sharing my delicious stew. As my reserves dwindled, I grew a bit more stingy about it.

Yesterday, this particular roommate asked me if he could have some more of my stew. (I already offered him some on the day I made it, so he knew how delicious it was.) I told him that I was running low, but would let him have some of he washed the dishes. He agreed and began fumbling around with the mountain of dishes in the sink.

A few moments later, as I was heading out to run some errands, I noticed that he was no longer tending to the dishes and was sitting in the living room enjoying my stew.

When I returned later that evening, this was the scene in the kitchen...

Now, I wouldn't go so far as to say that my roommate is a liar and a thief... but hmmm...
He claimed that he was going to wash the dishes in exchange for the food that he neither paid for, nor helped prepare.
He then enjoyed the food and left the sink full of nasty dirty dishes.
So what's that make him? Oh... that would be A LIAR AND A THIEF!!!

Thank you.

The roommate in question claimed that he had to go to work, which was the reason why he couldn't do the dishes as promised. OK, that's understandable. I interpreted this claim as a promise to fulfill his obligation the next day. However, I grossly underestimated just how dastardly this thieving liar actually is. He has once again left for work and the disgusting pile of dirty dishes remains untouched.