I am Kim's smirking revenge

Dear blog,

Ask your roommate to shave your unsightly back hair, and you may end up like this poor sucker!

I seem to have become the designated shaver in this household. Apparently dudes shaving each others backs is considered "gay." Please refer to the photo. I don't think he will be asking me again.

Thank you

Nurse Ice Queen

Dear Blog,

If your roommate ever has "something" removed from their body, hopefully they can reach it to change the bandage! I have had the pleasure of assisting my roommate with the provided image. *cringe*

They expect me to bite the bullet and assist them with things like waxing their asymmetrical back hair, changing their unreachable bandages and shaving their "neck burns." Since I'm such a great friend and roommate, I oblige with a smile, but God forbid I mention "tampons" in front of them!

Thank you

Why clean it if it's just going to get dirty again?

Dear blog,

We have lived in this lovely home for nearly 2 years now. One of my roommates is unfortunate enough to have a rather nasty oil leak in their car. The roommate in question has made empty promises when confronted about tending to the eyesore reminiscent of the Exxon Valdez spill that is slowly consuming our driveway... correction: the driveway we are RENTING from some soon-to-be angry homeowner.

Time for some journalistic photos...

In this shot, you can see just how big and beautiful the oil slick is.
I think it really brings out the green in our lovely lawn. I'm sure our neighbors would agree.

Upon closer inspection, you can imagine why said roommate is hesitant to do absolutely anything that might result in the removal of this masterpiece.
I think I see a pair of dolphins frolicking in the sea.
Oh, and over there near the bottom... I see a bouquet of pretty flowers!

About 6 months ago, after hearing me nag on numerous occasions, this particular roommate did acquire a scrub brush and a bottle of degreaser from their father. These items were intended to be used on the Exxon Valdez spill prior to pressure washing it. Perhaps 4 months later, the oil spill was growing in a menacing fashion while the bottle of degreaser and scrub brush continued to sit in the garage collecting dust.

One fateful morning, I was feeling particularly motivated. I brandished the jug of cleaner, wielded the mighty scrub brush and dove straight into the black hole in front of our house.

I know it was naive of me to think that if I did the hard part of the cleanup job of the mess that is in no way, shape or form, my own, that this roommate would take the initiative to perform the remaining part of the job.

Now, 2 months down the road, the monstrosity has returned to its former stature. Hell, it may be larger, bolder and more dangerous to local wildlife than ever! At any rate, all the work I did was for naught. The damn thing needs to be degreased again before it can be pressure washed. Every second that passes allows the oil to sink deeper and deeper into the porous concrete. Every new drop that lands on top spreads the ogreish amoeba further across the face of our landlord's investment.

I can almost hear our deposit shriveling in the distance.

Thank you.

The saga continues (and never ceases for that matter)

Dear blog,

I overheard myself mention the other day that this blog has had a therapeutic effect on the inhabitants of this domicile (myself included.) I explained that posting on this blog has made us all better roommates and that is the reason for my recent hiatus from posting.

This morning, I found myself eating those words.

Let's have a look, shall we?

What is this? A place where a bum sleeps?

Nope, couldn't be... I doubt any self-respecting bum would leave their full pack of delicious cigarettes and lighter behind. What other clues can we find?

Well, if Rain Man were here, he's say something like "There are definitely 132 cigarette butts, 2 half empty cans, 2 empty cigarette packs, one plastic bottle, and 37 days worth of ashes. Definitely 37 days worth of cigarette ashes. Ten minutes to Wapner!"

I don't know what cigarette smokers eat. I don't know how they reproduce. What I do know is that they were born to turn front porches into absolute pits of squalor.

Thank you.

A very sloppy murder

Dear blog,

Today I walked out to the mailbox and was horrified to see what I could only liken to a scene from the movie "Alien."

After assuring myself that we're not being invaded by tiny aliens, I deduced that this macabre display could only be the scene of a slug's grisly murder.

Now, I'm no slug advocate. I think they are pretty vile little creatures. I'm not a fan of the little trails they leave all over the sidewalk either. However, I must point out that the perpetrator in this case had the balls to commit the murder, but lacked the sense, consideration, and decency to clean the nasty shit up!

Here's an idea... why not knock the slimy little sap OFF OF THE EXTERIOR OF OUR HOME before you turn him into a giant loogie!?

Thank you.

Blog Award: Over The Top

Just a quick note to thank my loving mother for hooking us up with this award!


I know that the stipulation is that I participate in what the blogging community refers to as a meme, but I'm afraid I can't bring myself to do it. Besides, I think I have to wash my hair.

Thanks again Ma! Love ya!

Shoes Betch!

Dear blog,

I have a lot of shoes for a guy. Many of them are used for specific sports such as racquetball, biking, etc. Many others are just shoes. I guess I don't wear them out very fast because my job has me barefoot at my desk all day?

At any rate, when we moved into this house, I put my shoe rack in a communal area for us all to reap the benefits of. There's no way that every shoe that the 3 of us own would fit in the rack. I suggested that we only put shoes that we wear frequently on the rack, and put the third string footwear in our respective bedrooms. As a result, my room has become a veritable minefield of various shoes. It doesn't help that I have a king sized bed stuffed into such a tiny bedroom! But I digress...

The reason for this post is to inform the world about, yep you guessed it... shoe rack abuse!!! Take a look at this photo. Placed neatly on the rack are 2 pairs of my shoes. Scattered all over the floor in front of the shoe rack, as though the shoe rack has projectile vomited, are the shoes of my lovely roommates.

You almost made it guys... just 2 more feet and you're there. (no pun intended)

Thank you.