Out for a midnight swim

Dear Blog,
I know that you're probably sick and tired of hearing about the front porch. I wouldn't be reporting on the sad state of affairs unless they had indeed grown sadder. Let's have a look!

Oh my! It appears that a rather dirty, shirtless and
shoeless individual has spontaneously combusted!

What manner of scum are these mysterious pants covered in?

Before I show you the final piece of evidence I have gathered, let me tell you what transpired.

I was awoken by somebody mulling about in the middle of the night. Being blind as a bat, I didn't see what the hour was. I got up to get a glass of water and saw that the noise was indeed caused by my roommate, who was brushing their teeth or something with the bathroom door open.

The next morning, my other roommate was leaving for work and said "you should take a look at the front porch." When I peered out the door, I first noticed the mysterious trousers. Upon closer inspection, I was horrified to find this...

Your eyes do not deceive you.
Next to the carefully draped and completely swamp-covered jeans,
there are men's boxer briefs and a pair of socks.

I'm no lawyer, but I don't think that just because it's 4 in the morning, the neighborhood becomes a clothing optional type situation.

When confronted about the events leading up to the alleged streaking, the roommate was paraphrased saying this:

"I was hanging out with this girl I met at Eclipse and she wanted to go roll down a hill. We left the club and I found out that she meant it literally. We were rolling down this grass hill, I went too far and landed in a retention pond. I cut my knee and can barely walk."

The wound on my roommate's knee was very gnarly to say the least. The thought of a fresh wound soaking in the questionable contents of a retention pond was almost nauseating.

The roommate in question fell unspeakably ill a day or two later and was quoted saying: "*Hack! Hack! Cough!* Ugh! Which one of you fuckers got me sick?"

Sure, buddy. It was probably one of us, not the parasites, microbes, amoebas, and algae that undoubtedly poured into your every orifice.

At any rate, this blog is not called the stupidity of roommates. So, here's where the audacity comes in. The swamp covered clothes were found later that day in the bathroom draped over the side of the tub. Sounds perfectly sanitary to me! The next day, when said roommate fell puzzlingly ill, he or she absconded to the abode of their parents to be nursed back to health.

For me, this was great news. Nothing against this person, but if they are sick and want to contaminate somebody else's house, more power to 'em!

As I was adding chemicals to the hot tub in preparation for a visit from my lady friend later that evening, I realized that the swamp ensemble had once again relocated. The nasty draws and socks were now draped over the table next to the hot tub, where they'd undoubtedly stay until this roommate was off their death bed!

I had to go to my happy place, as I hurriedly tossed the offending garments into the garbage can.
Thank you.