Intimate Portrait: The front porch

Dear blog,

I have great news! It appears that my new roommate and my existing roommate have truly bonded. I was a little worried about whether or not they would get along, but check it out... It appears that they have been collaborating on some modern art.

Don't forget to click and enlarge these photos.
You really have to appreciate the attention to detail that went into this amazing work.

The really cool thing is that they have displayed their masterpiece right there on the front porch! Talk about a selfless act of kindness. They really do care about me, my clients and our neighbors.


Look at the way the light dances on the rim of the half spilled coke zero can. Notice how suggestively the white and black camel cigarette boxes flirt with one another. It's a subtle, yet provocative metaphor which speaks volumes about overcoming adversity in a society laden with racial tension.

I'm really looking forward to the opportunity to arise when a client asks about the fine art gallery on our front porch. I'll be choking back tears of joy and pride when I explain to them that it was my very own roommates that constructed this elaborate triumph in artistic prowess.

I would like to hereby take back every bad thing I ever said about cigarette smokers. They are misunderstood geniuses and should be revered for their contributions to society.

Thank you.

My roommate's job hunt

Dear blog,

My new roommate is all settled in and things are going just great. He has been hard at work trying to find a job. I'm thrilled to report that he was hired after being on the hunt for just one week! I asked him to share some of the secrets to his success with my blog.

So, how does one prepare their workspace for a frenzied online job search?

First off, forget about the coat rack. It's merely a distraction. In order to maximize your efficiency, you should just peel any coats or sweatshirts you may be wearing and let them fall to the floor as you approach your seat.

It's important to keep a cardboard box nearby. It will come in handy in the event that you need to quickly "clean off" your desk to make room for another plastic cup. Simply toss the clutter in the box, effectively filing it away.

Hand lotion is absolutely vital. Let's face it, the internet is a dry place... especially the websites of prospective employers. You're going to need to moisturize at least one of your hands while viewing these websites. When you abruptly become disgusted with the job you're applying for and no longer need moisturizing, grab a tissue and towel off.

Tissues, as it turns out, are a hot commodity when on the job hunt. Should the need arise to blow your nose, go right ahead. Whatever you do, you had better not throw away the tissue after a single use! Don't you care about the environment!? There are 12 nose blows left in that sucker!

When you're finished drinking from a cup or can, don't give up on it just yet. It's uncommon, but sometimes these vessels have been known to refill themselves. Besides, you're unemployed. Can you really afford to risk it?

Filling out applications online can be cumbersome. You're going to need a snack in order to stay sharp. A steady stream of microwaved hot dogs is a great choice. Not only does the smell repel anyone from coming close enough to bug you, but the juices will coat the keyboard and help you type faster (and more accurately!)


If the hot dogs don't do the trick and you still have people buzzing around while you work, try this. Put on a pair of headphones and crank them all the way up. Make a playlist of inspirational music by Nickleback or Creed and sing along. Your roommates' protests will fall on deaf ears as they are driven from the room, and the asinine lyrics will inspire you to lie on your resume!


A big thank you goes out to my roommate. I'm happy that he gave me this opportunity to share his wisdom with the world. I hope that these tips help many readers to get their dream jobs!

Thank you.

The leaning tower of rotting pizza

Dear blog,

Upon returning home from a weekend of travel, I made a rather interesting discovery. Apparently my roommates did a little redecorating during my hiatus. I feel like a bit of a hypocrite now, because I can recall a few times in recent history when I suggested that they might not be contributing quite enough effort for the better good of the household.

I can't say that I would have done things exactly the same way... what do you think?


Yes I admit, the soda and beer boxes provide a sort of homey charm. Sure, I can imagine that making a Jenga-like game of adding a can to the overflowing recycling bin would provide a unique challenge.

The thing I can't get on board with is the leaning, plastic, drawstring tower of garbage.

Who knows what kind of rancid, biological in nature, and most likely very stinky liquids that bag must contain!? This bag appears that it could topple and expel its contents all over the floor at any given moment!

It truly amazes me that my roommates don't just shit in the corner like ferrets.

Thank you.

The saga continues (and never ceases for that matter)

Dear blog,

I overheard myself mention the other day that this blog has had a therapeutic effect on the inhabitants of this domicile (myself included.) I explained that posting on this blog has made us all better roommates and that is the reason for my recent hiatus from posting.

This morning, I found myself eating those words.

Let's have a look, shall we?

What is this? A place where a bum sleeps?

Nope, couldn't be... I doubt any self-respecting bum would leave their full pack of delicious cigarettes and lighter behind. What other clues can we find?

Well, if Rain Man were here, he's say something like "There are definitely 132 cigarette butts, 2 half empty cans, 2 empty cigarette packs, one plastic bottle, and 37 days worth of ashes. Definitely 37 days worth of cigarette ashes. Ten minutes to Wapner!"

I don't know what cigarette smokers eat. I don't know how they reproduce. What I do know is that they were born to turn front porches into absolute pits of squalor.

Thank you.

Shoes Betch!

Dear blog,

I have a lot of shoes for a guy. Many of them are used for specific sports such as racquetball, biking, etc. Many others are just shoes. I guess I don't wear them out very fast because my job has me barefoot at my desk all day?

At any rate, when we moved into this house, I put my shoe rack in a communal area for us all to reap the benefits of. There's no way that every shoe that the 3 of us own would fit in the rack. I suggested that we only put shoes that we wear frequently on the rack, and put the third string footwear in our respective bedrooms. As a result, my room has become a veritable minefield of various shoes. It doesn't help that I have a king sized bed stuffed into such a tiny bedroom! But I digress...

The reason for this post is to inform the world about, yep you guessed it... shoe rack abuse!!! Take a look at this photo. Placed neatly on the rack are 2 pairs of my shoes. Scattered all over the floor in front of the shoe rack, as though the shoe rack has projectile vomited, are the shoes of my lovely roommates.

You almost made it guys... just 2 more feet and you're there. (no pun intended)

Thank you.

Words fail me

Dear blog,


Why?

Thank you.

The porch

Dear blog,

The cigarette smokers of this household have really outdone themselves this time. The front porch looks as though it is the home of 2 bums and a crackwhore. There is an inch of cigarette ash, 4 empty packs of smokes, 2 mysterious pills, 2 years worth of nicotine ridden loogie stains and enough paper dick butts to heat a medium sized home all winter long (supposing that the inhabitants were wearing gas masks and weren't killed by the fumes of burning cigarette butts.)

I don't know what it is the drives these sinister scumbags to be so utterly undriven that they can't empty their vile ashtray once in a while. It remains a mystery to me how smoking cigarettes makes people love squalor.

I don't think the cigs are killing them fast enough. I may have to intervene.

Thank you.