Cleaning up after yourself is hard

Dear blog,

There's no shortage of driveway related rants on this blog. The reason for this is because my lying roommate, though she had agreed to maintain the driveway situation, has decided against it. Of course, I really can't blame her. Sweeping is hard! Besides, what's the point of cleaning something up if it's just going to get messy again?

I thought I was helping her out when I took the initiative and sprinkled cat litter on the La Brea Tar Pits that had begun to accumulate on the driveway we're renting. Neither did I know, the 5 minutes it took me to sprinkle cat litter on the driveway was just the easy part!

In order to better understand her situation, I decided to bite the bullet and sweep up the cat litter that I sprinkled in order to soak up the oil slicks created by the 2 out of three roommates who live here that are not me. Besides, I think 2 months is long enough for the litter to do its job.

I swept it into little piles. Then I had to get the shovel to scrape up some of the caked on areas. After that, I swept the piles into the dust pan and dumped them into a bucket. The entire ordeal lasted 17 grueling minutes. Wowee! Now I really feel like a jerk. I mean asking for 25 minutes per month of time and effort between 2 different people. That is literally 25 seconds per day each!!

Besides, if there's anything I have learned in my 29 years on this planet, it is this... When you have a problem, the best way to take care of it is to ignore it and hope that it goes away.

Thank you.

My roommate's job hunt

Dear blog,

My new roommate is all settled in and things are going just great. He has been hard at work trying to find a job. I'm thrilled to report that he was hired after being on the hunt for just one week! I asked him to share some of the secrets to his success with my blog.

So, how does one prepare their workspace for a frenzied online job search?

First off, forget about the coat rack. It's merely a distraction. In order to maximize your efficiency, you should just peel any coats or sweatshirts you may be wearing and let them fall to the floor as you approach your seat.

It's important to keep a cardboard box nearby. It will come in handy in the event that you need to quickly "clean off" your desk to make room for another plastic cup. Simply toss the clutter in the box, effectively filing it away.

Hand lotion is absolutely vital. Let's face it, the internet is a dry place... especially the websites of prospective employers. You're going to need to moisturize at least one of your hands while viewing these websites. When you abruptly become disgusted with the job you're applying for and no longer need moisturizing, grab a tissue and towel off.

Tissues, as it turns out, are a hot commodity when on the job hunt. Should the need arise to blow your nose, go right ahead. Whatever you do, you had better not throw away the tissue after a single use! Don't you care about the environment!? There are 12 nose blows left in that sucker!

When you're finished drinking from a cup or can, don't give up on it just yet. It's uncommon, but sometimes these vessels have been known to refill themselves. Besides, you're unemployed. Can you really afford to risk it?

Filling out applications online can be cumbersome. You're going to need a snack in order to stay sharp. A steady stream of microwaved hot dogs is a great choice. Not only does the smell repel anyone from coming close enough to bug you, but the juices will coat the keyboard and help you type faster (and more accurately!)


If the hot dogs don't do the trick and you still have people buzzing around while you work, try this. Put on a pair of headphones and crank them all the way up. Make a playlist of inspirational music by Nickleback or Creed and sing along. Your roommates' protests will fall on deaf ears as they are driven from the room, and the asinine lyrics will inspire you to lie on your resume!


A big thank you goes out to my roommate. I'm happy that he gave me this opportunity to share his wisdom with the world. I hope that these tips help many readers to get their dream jobs!

Thank you.

Renege: To fail to carry out a promise or commitment.

Dear blog,

My roommate got angry about a recent grocery bill and decided to "succeed from the union" so to speak. Meaning that he's no longer involved when it comes to sharing groceries. Not a problem... he doesn't pay for them, he doesn't eat them. Fine.

I like to think I'm a pretty decent cook. Sometimes I actually amaze myself. This was the case when I made some stew out of leftover Thanksgiving turkey. Initially I was liberal about sharing my delicious stew. As my reserves dwindled, I grew a bit more stingy about it.

Yesterday, this particular roommate asked me if he could have some more of my stew. (I already offered him some on the day I made it, so he knew how delicious it was.) I told him that I was running low, but would let him have some of he washed the dishes. He agreed and began fumbling around with the mountain of dishes in the sink.

A few moments later, as I was heading out to run some errands, I noticed that he was no longer tending to the dishes and was sitting in the living room enjoying my stew.

When I returned later that evening, this was the scene in the kitchen...

Now, I wouldn't go so far as to say that my roommate is a liar and a thief... but hmmm...
He claimed that he was going to wash the dishes in exchange for the food that he neither paid for, nor helped prepare.
He then enjoyed the food and left the sink full of nasty dirty dishes.
So what's that make him? Oh... that would be A LIAR AND A THIEF!!!

Thank you.

[UPDATE]
The roommate in question claimed that he had to go to work, which was the reason why he couldn't do the dishes as promised. OK, that's understandable. I interpreted this claim as a promise to fulfill his obligation the next day. However, I grossly underestimated just how dastardly this thieving liar actually is. He has once again left for work and the disgusting pile of dirty dishes remains untouched.

The leaning tower of rotting pizza

Dear blog,

Upon returning home from a weekend of travel, I made a rather interesting discovery. Apparently my roommates did a little redecorating during my hiatus. I feel like a bit of a hypocrite now, because I can recall a few times in recent history when I suggested that they might not be contributing quite enough effort for the better good of the household.

I can't say that I would have done things exactly the same way... what do you think?


Yes I admit, the soda and beer boxes provide a sort of homey charm. Sure, I can imagine that making a Jenga-like game of adding a can to the overflowing recycling bin would provide a unique challenge.

The thing I can't get on board with is the leaning, plastic, drawstring tower of garbage.

Who knows what kind of rancid, biological in nature, and most likely very stinky liquids that bag must contain!? This bag appears that it could topple and expel its contents all over the floor at any given moment!

It truly amazes me that my roommates don't just shit in the corner like ferrets.

Thank you.

Why clean it if it's just going to get dirty again?

Dear blog,

We have lived in this lovely home for nearly 2 years now. One of my roommates is unfortunate enough to have a rather nasty oil leak in their car. The roommate in question has made empty promises when confronted about tending to the eyesore reminiscent of the Exxon Valdez spill that is slowly consuming our driveway... correction: the driveway we are RENTING from some soon-to-be angry homeowner.

Time for some journalistic photos...

In this shot, you can see just how big and beautiful the oil slick is.
I think it really brings out the green in our lovely lawn. I'm sure our neighbors would agree.

Upon closer inspection, you can imagine why said roommate is hesitant to do absolutely anything that might result in the removal of this masterpiece.
I think I see a pair of dolphins frolicking in the sea.
Oh, and over there near the bottom... I see a bouquet of pretty flowers!

About 6 months ago, after hearing me nag on numerous occasions, this particular roommate did acquire a scrub brush and a bottle of degreaser from their father. These items were intended to be used on the Exxon Valdez spill prior to pressure washing it. Perhaps 4 months later, the oil spill was growing in a menacing fashion while the bottle of degreaser and scrub brush continued to sit in the garage collecting dust.

One fateful morning, I was feeling particularly motivated. I brandished the jug of cleaner, wielded the mighty scrub brush and dove straight into the black hole in front of our house.

I know it was naive of me to think that if I did the hard part of the cleanup job of the mess that is in no way, shape or form, my own, that this roommate would take the initiative to perform the remaining part of the job.

Now, 2 months down the road, the monstrosity has returned to its former stature. Hell, it may be larger, bolder and more dangerous to local wildlife than ever! At any rate, all the work I did was for naught. The damn thing needs to be degreased again before it can be pressure washed. Every second that passes allows the oil to sink deeper and deeper into the porous concrete. Every new drop that lands on top spreads the ogreish amoeba further across the face of our landlord's investment.

I can almost hear our deposit shriveling in the distance.

Thank you.

The saga continues (and never ceases for that matter)

Dear blog,

I overheard myself mention the other day that this blog has had a therapeutic effect on the inhabitants of this domicile (myself included.) I explained that posting on this blog has made us all better roommates and that is the reason for my recent hiatus from posting.

This morning, I found myself eating those words.

Let's have a look, shall we?

What is this? A place where a bum sleeps?

Nope, couldn't be... I doubt any self-respecting bum would leave their full pack of delicious cigarettes and lighter behind. What other clues can we find?

Well, if Rain Man were here, he's say something like "There are definitely 132 cigarette butts, 2 half empty cans, 2 empty cigarette packs, one plastic bottle, and 37 days worth of ashes. Definitely 37 days worth of cigarette ashes. Ten minutes to Wapner!"

I don't know what cigarette smokers eat. I don't know how they reproduce. What I do know is that they were born to turn front porches into absolute pits of squalor.

Thank you.

Shoes Betch!

Dear blog,

I have a lot of shoes for a guy. Many of them are used for specific sports such as racquetball, biking, etc. Many others are just shoes. I guess I don't wear them out very fast because my job has me barefoot at my desk all day?

At any rate, when we moved into this house, I put my shoe rack in a communal area for us all to reap the benefits of. There's no way that every shoe that the 3 of us own would fit in the rack. I suggested that we only put shoes that we wear frequently on the rack, and put the third string footwear in our respective bedrooms. As a result, my room has become a veritable minefield of various shoes. It doesn't help that I have a king sized bed stuffed into such a tiny bedroom! But I digress...

The reason for this post is to inform the world about, yep you guessed it... shoe rack abuse!!! Take a look at this photo. Placed neatly on the rack are 2 pairs of my shoes. Scattered all over the floor in front of the shoe rack, as though the shoe rack has projectile vomited, are the shoes of my lovely roommates.

You almost made it guys... just 2 more feet and you're there. (no pun intended)

Thank you.

The wildlife

Dear blog,

My roommate, in a move so blatant it must have been motivated by spite, prepared dinner in a deep fried fashion. Naturally, I couldn't convince myself to partake and went to bed hungry. Not a big deal, it was a little late for dinner anyways. Fortunately, the various critters that find their way into our house did not go hungry, because leftovers and nasty vats of oil were left out all night for them to feast upon.

To be clear, I didn't see any critters or crawlies feasting on the food, but everybody knows that it's this kind of negligence that results in your house being infested by such scourge.

Thank you.

Self diagnosed OCD - A concept rooted in hypocrisy

Dear blog,

My roommates both claim that they are OCD. Let's see what the National Institute of Mental Health says about that disorder, shall we?

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, OCD, is an anxiety disorder and is characterized by recurrent, unwanted thoughts (obsessions) and/or repetitive behaviors (compulsions). Repetitive behaviors such as handwashing, counting, checking, or cleaning are often performed with the hope of preventing obsessive thoughts or making them go away. Performing these so-called "rituals," however, provides only temporary relief, and not performing them markedly increases anxiety.

One roommate in particular has taken it upon his or herself to allow months and months of mail to pile up on the passthrough next to our front door. In my opinion, this is behavior is completely inconsistent with the aforementioned OCD-like tendencies to wash hands, count, sort, or clean.

Perhaps the roommate in question was referring to a completely different definition for the OCD acronym? Maybe he or she is self diagnosed with "Obtrusive Clutter and Disarray" or "Obviously Cool with Disorganization?"

In a world where everybody strives to prove (in vain) that they aren't hypocrites, some people are completely complacent with the fact.

Thank you